Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
