"it" just moved
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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