Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I CAN MOONWALK!
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
