Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The air taste purple.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
