I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
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For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
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It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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