So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
