I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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