this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
