dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I could have mohawked her pubes.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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