can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
