my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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