I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
