Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
