is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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