I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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