im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
