I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
