Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
