just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You can't special order awesome
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
So apparently I’m into choking now
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
