I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
FUCK WHALES
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
