Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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