Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
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