No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
