in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
