booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Your cock deserves a montage
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
