I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
