o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
