I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Can you bring me the toilet please
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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