If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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