So drunk its hurt
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You smell like stripper and shame
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Randomize
