It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Who died my cat blue again?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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