home. puking in laundry basket.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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