I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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