found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
