I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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