I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
