hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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