I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
