If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
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Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
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Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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