Already got asked if we're dating
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
