My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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