Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
