she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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