My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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