mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
