I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
