I accidentally had phone sex last night
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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