I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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