No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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