dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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