there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
