3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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