How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
