she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
