is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
