Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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