Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
false alarm, still single
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